Is loving this painful?

"Do you still love me?" I asked.
A few seconds of waiting, and the reply came in. "Yes" he said.
I was about to say "How come you can't say the words you loved my ears to hear?",
but we haven't talked for almost two months and I don't want to start an unneccesary disagreement over me being needy for his affection.

It's been two months since we have a real talk. And during that time, I have to undergo different levels of torment and misery. I kept on dreaming and thinking of things that might happen to him. And I know I was right though he doesn't want to tell me everything since he fears that I would worry more. Much more, he was embarassed that I'll know everything.

The moment we talked, I sensed something has changed. When I told him (through SMS) "I love you" all I received was a silly smiley; much different months before when he would reply "I love you too." Now I even have to ask him if he still loves me. He said "I'm sorry you know a lot of things have happened to me but it (my love for you) would never change that ." Yes, I would admit I was hurt. Waiting for him was painful, but he's refusal to reciprocate is even more.

Days after this, I started to have doubts about us. The thought of losing him is unbearable. But the probability of losing the man I love is increasing everyday. He's in China and I'm here. We even haven't met. But we knew each other so much, much more than a long time friend; enough for us to enter into this relationship.

Yes, our future has always been grim. Only our faith saves us from falling. Our dreams are just simple --- have a home, be married, adopt kids, and grow old loving each one. Is that kind of dream too much for a gay?

For now, I'm still waiting for him. Waiting for him to be free and be with me. But for how long? How long will my battered heart be able to tolerate?