Being confused is scary... really

Been very these days (attending a seminar where the instructor is a real hunk with chest hair
like that of Sergio... haha!), anyway I still manage to post one today. Thanks for those
who left their comments at the last post! I've really appreciated your opinions and reactions.
My next article discusses a topic very common among gay bloggers,
but this is my very own experience and I want to share it will all of you.

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After watching the movie, Brokeback Mountain, my ex asked me "What do you think will happen to us in the future?" I can't remember what I answered back then though, but I can't forget what he replied after. "Ako gusto ko magkaroon ng asawa at mga anak. Ikaw rin, gusto ko magkapamilya ka rin. Pero mag-meet pa rin tayo, have some time together. Siyempre tayo pa rin nun." (For me, I want to have a wife and kids. You too, I want you to have your own family. But we'll still meet, have some time together. Of course, we're still in a relationship with each other.) That made me feel uneasy. Why? The message of the movie was clear: Don't pretend to be somebody else and be controlled by the society, be yourself and learn to fight for your happiness. Yes, I fear the loneliness experienced by Ennis at the end of the movie. It was the loneliness caused by regret of losing and not spending time with the person you truly love most. I’ve thought that message sank in to him. But no, as always he never learns. Last I heard of him, he has a girlfriend now. Still, he’s in the darkness, unsure of who he is.

Anyway, I always think his idea is rather scary and dangerous. How could that be? A man would have his own family, away from the judgment of others, and have shown his image as a real straight man. For me, I don’t want to live in a lie, worse, dragging your would-be wife and future kids in the process. I know what kind of life I want and society, no matter how strict it is, can’t stop me from finding my concept of true happiness. Yes, that was scary but to tell you honestly, it happens in real life. What’s more tragic is some of them have lovers in the backstage while presenting themselves in the public as a family man, a honest husband, and a loving father. I’m not saying it’s wrong to be a family guy, etc. What’s wrong is making people believe of someone who is just portrayed, like the humans in the movie, The Matrix. It’s the make-believe personality that’s disturbing. Being someone who you’re not does not only put others in the lie, but you’re also burdening yourself. Imprisoned in a cage you could not see.

In other circumstances, gays are being forced to marry and have family. This story was relayed to me months ago. There was this gay who came from a rich family. A marriage was arranged for him by his family. Yeah, it was arranged for family interests and cultural tradition. He did have a child with her, a baby boy of course so as to have someone continue their line. After which he maintained a pad in a high-rise building where he brings different guys every night or so from the bar.

We can’t judge them by their actions. But I understand them for I myself have undergone an episode of identity crisis. When I was in high school, my gay friend asked, “Ano ka gay o bi?” “Bi ako” I replied. I am not necessarily attracted to the female of the species but I thought it was a way of softening things up for me. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I tell people around me that I’m a bisexual, they would accept me. There would still be a flicker of hope of non-finality or be straight. I fit in a normal image of a bisexual --- discreet, with straight mannerisms, a gentleman, with deep voice, etc. Nobody would even say that I’m a bi. But then again, it was a mistake --- a huge one though. When I met my boyfriend, I learned that I was just in a long-time denial. I considered more the feelings and views of other people that I failed to listen to myself, to my heart. Thanks to him, my eyes were opened. And now that crisis is long gone. I’m satisfied with the resolution. Yes, I’m gay.