Things I Learned at the Manila-Pen Impasse

The events at Makati yesterday not only proved to be entertaining,
but also served as a good educational manual for would-be coup-plotters
and mutineers, and aspiring wussies. I learned twelve things while watching
TV networks broadcast the surreal event live.

1. If you’re planning to topple a government by calling mass action, make sure
you check CNN first for weather reports, not PAGASA, so you’ll avoid cold drafts or heavy rains that would hinder people going to streets. Not only the cold weather discourages them to leave their houses, but it also made them sleepy and didn’t hear your plea. (Tip: January and February is conducive for gathering millions at the streets; never attempt at May since people will get hot-headed due to summer heat.)

2. Never say, “Handa kaming magsakripisyo! Ito na ang Pasong Tirad ng ating panahon!”, then upon inhaling tear gas or hearing an Armored Personnel Carrier (APC) smashed the entrance doors, you’ll cry “Tingnan nyo! Inaapi nila kami.”

3. If you know that there are hundreds of media people in vigil outside your function room, never try exercising your legs by walking down the stairs and going around the lobby, then climbing up again to your room. Not only you’re increasing the body count due to stampeding media, you’re also projecting yourself like a beauty pageant contestant.

4. If you can’t utter statements without faltering or on the verge of crying, better hire a spokesperson.

5. If you plan to make a political statement, think of a new and creative way of doing it. Not only taking over malls or hotels is ludicrous, but the collateral damage is high and costly. Why don’t you try swallowing swords, eating nails or walking through a fiery charcoal bare footed. While it’s entertaining, the casualty would be zero (assuming of course you’re an expert).

6. If you’re holding a press conference, never snub at the reporters when they ask questions. Without them, nobody in the country would know where hellhole you’re in. (Tip: press-cons last only for an hour or two and with zero body count, and there’s no need to take over a hotel to invite the media.)

7. Don’t thank people after you used them as human shields. Aside from making them look stupid, you’re dragging them with your legal liabilities as obstructers of justice.

8. Not because millions of people voted for you on the basis of cuteness, you already have the right to parade from court and end up taking over a luxury hotel.

9. If you’re running away from a court hearing, don’t use the phrase “rule of law”. It’s a bad omen that you’ll be caught by law enforcers before the day ends.

10. If you really sympathize with the people, spend time thinking of productive means to help. Just cut the soap opera scenes, dramas, the cries and the wails of injustice for glitzy media exposure. (Another hint: Makati hotels and malls are good for attracting tourists; you could endorse them by making a WOW Philippines advertisement in fatigue.)

11. If you feel walking out of a hotel with effects, don’t use tear gas. A smoke machine would be less expensive, but with more dramatic effect. I see a new trend in X-mas decors, an APC beneath a Christmas tree would look good in malls and hotels. Christmas lights also look good in smog of tear gas. Wearing fatigues in X-mas parties would be fashionable!

12. And finally, never ever repeat a stunt which was a flop in your first try. You won’t look desperate only hilarious and pathetic.

****
Observation: While ABS-CBN was airing a live feed inside the hotel, the rival network could only show us footage of the fountain outside.
Another Observation: All the international cable news networks show the same footages, apparently only from channel 2.

See? I told you within two months 2007 would be so memorable! Haha…
Anyway, for all the nursing grads who’ll take the board exam tomorrow, good luck!
To all those who visited my blog and left their comments or at the shoutbox for the past few days, thank you, I really appreciated it.