Being absurd and all...

WARNING: This post is fueled by sleeplessness and headaches, with Michael Jackson’s Thriller and Britney’s I Love Rock and Roll loudly being played by my retard neighbors. (literally out of nothing…) Aaaargh!

Here’s what I want to do: Travel back to Zambales and climb the highest cliff there and shout ‘til my lungs shoot out of me then throw myself to the sea and swim back to the shore.
It’s been a stressing vacation for me. Before, when I was still college, I would always pray for rest. “Lord, give me a week’s rest please.” Now I have all the time in the world. Damn, too much time torments me. I practically wake up in the morning, eat my breakfast, then sit in front of my bookshelf and stare at it indefinitely. I’m robotic. I haven’t left my ghetto since last week, and one more day like this, I swear, roots will grow out of me. (Good thing, I have my laptop and a reliable net connection, or I would be in a psychiatric ward by now.)

I’ll tell you what’s worse. With so much time in my hands with everything idle, I’m waiting for my boyfriend to contact me since September. Well he did send me email by September 25. And I immediately replied. I waited. And he replied by November 12. And I’m waiting again ever since.
Yeah, the angst of long-distance relationships… I haven’t seen my boyfriend personally, not even once, just in his pictures. But I really fell in love with him. Why? I don’t know. I just did. Two years ago, I told myself --- No to long-distance relationship. I practically ate my words. Stupid me…
Two weeks ago, I was pondering on this – Should I go on dating? I mean, like meeting my high school classmate, who apparently is my ex-crush. Then again isn’t that an outright violation of my promise? I bound myself to be faithful to Kevin. Now I understand why some gays, whose lovers are away, agree to open relationships. The difference with me is that, here I am, being virtuous (really?!), making myself a loyal, loving, and patient lover waiting for his husband. Now it tortures me. One day, I’m hopeful and enthusiastic about us. Then another day, I would feel despair. Really I’m honest here; my heart is full of love for him, anytime now I could have a cardiac arrest.

Before, when I was still studying, I have all the support I need. I have allowances, yet I didn’t manage to earn more than a centavo. Now, I don’t have any support at all, and allowance is very rare. Apparently, instead of giving me, my parents are buying bags of cement and gravel for their new house. I’m broke and unemployed while waiting for my license.

Really life is absurd for me as of now. I want to give up, shout and feel the weightlessness of falling from the cliffs. But after releasing all of my emotions, I still want to continue. I don’t want to end as loser, hence “swim back to the shore.”

I’m honest. I’m not complaining. I’m just disappointed with myself now. That’s all…