Five Things I Learned From My Previous Relationship

Not as to look bitter over my failed relationship (which i ended exactly a year ago), i cant stop pondering on what have i learned from that experience. I might say these are words of advice for you, but of course, it's a case to case basis. As long as you're happy, maintain that or move a level of intimacy and love up, and make your relationship stonger. Here they are:

1. Both of you must be very sure of your feelings before you even say it's a relationship.
Some of us start with sex first (which happened in my case; but in my part i was starting to love him already -- the one who's unsure is the other party) then see if things will work out. It would be better if you feel LIKE being friends or close for so long so that you could keep surprises (unpleasant?) to the minimum. You can't say love at first sight or else your relationship will go kaput (just my opinion).

2. Don't look for his mistakes or imperfections. Appreciate his positive and LOVING traits.
It's like looking on a clean sheet of paper with a small dot in the center; your eyes are caught by the dot instead of the clean part. Just like in a relationship, dont concentrate on his failures or little mistakes; look for his desirable traits. Much better if you'll appreciate them.

3. Never count your own troubles alone. Share them with him.
At first, I thought that by hiding my troubles i would be able to keep my boyfriend worry-free and happy. But i was wrong; the more i face them alone, the more i feel isolated and helpless; then when all boils up i cant help myself but to vent my disappointment over my boyfriend. Share your troubles how grave they may be, because the more you act together, the more you'll get stronger and earn trust and a sense of reliability.

4. If you have disagreements, call for a "time-out".
Anger and loss of temper would only lead to unnecessary arguments which may cause you to speak words that you know you'll regret later. Have a break and calm yourself. When you're cool already, it's time to discuss things then. Sex as a time-out is a yes and no --- it could either clear your mind off things or make you just feel diverted from the real point. For me, sex after reconciliation is much hotter and passionate.

5. Learn to appreciate small things.
If he just helped you with a small chore like washing the dishes or cooking, give him a kiss or say thank-you. A gesture of appreciation on sweet little things would really make your partner wanted and more confident on working things with you. After all, great things came from the small ones.

Love in False Pretenses

Ever studied in an all-boy high school? Ever been surrounded with boys daily from 8 in the morning til the sun sets at 5 pm? But what's funny with being surrounded with boys from dawn til dusk? Anyway, that's the problem. In my case, it triggered my homosexuality. I bet almost 1/4 of the population of our school are gays. Seeing little seeds of romance blossoming in a very boyish environment. Where out of long queues of boys in the canteen are small groups of gays singing, laughing and dancing during the breaks.

Now, being in a place where boys and gays usually meets, you cannot avoid having attractions with your schoolmates. Of course, you're thinking how could this person ever get wanted anyway?... let me assure you i have my own fair share of that. My story also get a little engraving in the colorful history of our batch. In fact, it was my first real, or should i say mutual, love.
When i was in high school, i'm not open type of gay; i have straight mannerisms though. But this did not gave me the excuse not to be labeled as such because most of my friends are gay anyway. As our principal said, "Birds of the same feather, flock together." Oh well, i had twisted his very convincing statement with this, "Birds of the same feather are the same birds."

The story i'm about to share with you happened when i was in third year high school. I fell in love with a student in his senior year. I really liked him and we are in speaking terms because we are involved in different school activities. Anyway, the problem is, he's staunchly heterosexual. So how did my story happened? My friend gave me the guy's (let's call him Kyle) number, and suggested why don't you try pretending as a girl while texting him. At first, it sounded absurd to me but i did it anyway, though it took a while to do so. He was very kind, and i was too open; on our first conversation, i already told him i like him. We became so close in our cellphones we sounded like we could be an item. After a month, i'm starting to feel guilty, yet i'm very happy every time we talked. When Kyle started to ask when we could meet, i know that i must already stop pretending; but how will i end it, i'm not quite sure. I decided to give Kyle a gift before i end our relationship. A relationship that occurred only in our cellphones. On the eve of Valentine's day, he was so sweet, and i told him, i'll give him a gift. He was very excited actually. The following morning, I asked my friend to give it to Kyle, saying that his girl cousin is the one who sent it. I was told by my friend that Kyle already received my gift. I was ambivalent at that time. Then Kyle sent me a message thanking me for the gift, and saying he doesnt deserve it. I replied to him saying, "Let it a be thank-you gift, you have been very kind to me... I'm sorry. But I have to tell you this, what if i say we attend the same school?"... I know that my reply will end it. Yet deep inside i was still hoping he could accept me. He did not reply after that. I know he's not prepared for this. Kyle might even be disgusted, falling for a girl which in the end was a guy after all.

I know what i did was stupid. A sad thing which my love for him forced me to do. Yet I know there's no one to blame but me. It was my choice. It was my choice that hurt him. A choice i know, a rational person won't make. As an excuse for that, i told my self, i'm still young and immature, capable of making mistakes. Yes, so many mistakes. Mistakes, which i'm very sure, made me who i am now. From my mistake, i learned that happiness could only be true when it is found by being truthful, being true to yourself and to others.

Later, the gift was traced back to me, and i know, Kyle knows who's behind the girl he falled for. We never talked again after that.

I lost him forever just for a month of false happiness

the messy situation

These things happen in life; who would thought these are just plots or storylines made for a movie?
When i was watching the independent film, "Mga Paru-parong Rosas" (Pink Butterflies, 2006) i cant stop myself but to answer the arguments of the characters, Dan and Rowlan. They are in a "relationship" for almost eight months even though Rowlan is married already and has kids. Meanwhile the other one is about to get married. They are meeting every week, sometimes every other week, in their love nest to savor each other's company. But then, things couldnt get worse since Dan is feeling both guilty and apprehensive towards his upcoming marriage. He cant think of living with someone he doesnt even love while pretending that everything is fine.
Rowlan seemed to be very cool about Dan's feelings, giving advices and reassurances that everything would be okay, even saying that those feelings are normal since he himself had already been through it. Very typical of a guy; giving false reassurances while pretending to be listening.
Both of them are clueless of what should they do: to continue with their relationship and live with their lies to their families or open up with their feelings and finally reveal their relationship. This is one of the points i got in the movie, would you risk the "comfort" of your life, your job, the image you have projected to your family so that you could be free or continue pretending and be miserable as a compromise to "the rules of the society?"
It is fear of being rejected and plunging their families into a scandal that makes it difficult for them to defend their love. I dont know if there is something more valuable than true love but all in all it's the truth that screams inside of them to be set free. One of the lines i can't forget is: "Paano na lang kung sabihin sa nanay ko na may anak siyang bakla?" (What if somebody tells my mother that her son is a gay?)
During the movie, i cant stop myself from saying that they better leave everything behind if they really love each other. Though it sounds so ideal, it's not really pragmatic to do so. But who cares anyway if you would try; i remember when my boyfriend told me that if we are together then we could do anything and be successful.
Fear of rejection, pain and judgement makes it difficult for most of us to reveal ourselves; these are also obstacles to our peace of mind and happiness. If you are truly sure of who you are, then you know where your path lies. Pretending to be someone you dont believe yourself to be would only lead to more problems and complications. Do i sound really ideal or just being right? Maybe to do so would be an act of bravery.
I'll leave you a line from the movie before i close this post: "Buti pa ang mga bakla sa parlor, kahit tinutukso sila, masaya pa rin sila. Napakatapang nila upang ilantad ang mga sarili nila." (Better are those gays in the parlors; even though they are taunted and rejected, they're still happy. They're so brave to reveal themselves.)

the beginning...

its been a while since... two decades of life have already been given to me, and yet i'm not so sure what could i show the world. by committing on this blog, i'm not just opening myself to the world but i'm also starting on a different journey inside me. pondering on my reflections and looking for more meaningful experiences.

in this beginning, i hope you could join me and learn from each other...