While I was gone...

Okay, so I was dead (as a blogger) for almost a month. I guess my current state stops me from holding a single organized thought. I don't know why I'm saying this to you, but hey this is my blog anyway... haha... Actually, I just want you all to understand the reasons behind my sudden hiatus (even I didn't visit my blog for weeks). But before everything, for all those who keep on coming to my blog, thank you very much. I really appreciated your support.

Now you might be asking what's happening to me. First, it seemed that 2008 started wrongly for me. When 2008 kicked in, I was with my boyfriend, of course through YM only. We welcomed the new year together... crying.... not of happiness or joy, but of pain... sadness... After you've prepared yourself to fight all the way, suddenly you find the need to retreat, especially when the person you're fighting for is not in the battle, but with another else. When the wounds went deep and made you incapable of wielding your sword, you started to give up. Right now, our relationship is in limbo. For another three weeks, we haven't spoken yet. And I'm still waiting for him... It's cruel, yes, very cruel. I'm just an option after all... So I made up my mind... I'm also a human being, capable of mistakes, also yearns for affection and for assurance that somebody would be there for me in times of difficulties and happiness... I told myself, if somebody walks into my life and prefers to stay and will love me; I'll give him every right to do so...

Maybe this is the time when you're life is suspended in motion or more so, with no sense of direction at all. Apparently, it goes blank... When your life is open to all possibilities, and of course, to disasters also. It seemed that progress would never come, for you have waited so long. (One thing I learned: I should have looked for a backer rather spent my time studying heavily and doing well in the board exams... apparently, four years of above average performance in college and in the board won't land you a job either.) I want to do so many things yet this unemployment or financial woes are killing me. I’m ambitious, I have the will, but I don't have the means.

Since 2008 came in, I went back to the drawing board to check and reconsider the blueprint I made for my life. When all of your dreams are headed to a crash, when the person you loved most can't accompany you anymore, when you feel trapped in this world's greed and can't fit in a society of fools, you can't help but wonder why you still live. Faith... Hope... and even love at times... are becoming empty words for me, but not yet maybe. I haven't surrendered still. Maybe I will, one time for sure, but they have to take this damn life I'm clinging to...